Me - "Welcome to Health Insurance Inc, how can I help you?"

Stupid Customer - "Yeah, hi, I'm calling 'cause my mum died last night and she had a policy with you guys and there was a funeral benefit payment as part of it and so I'm just calling to see what I have to do to get the funeral benefit paid to me"

Me - "I'm very sorry for your loss. Bear with me for one moment and I'll take a look"

*I confirm the mother's policy and personal details with the daughter. All looks above board. She is already down as an authorised party on the account, so we are fine to proceed*

Me - "Hi there, thanks for waiting. OK so to get that benefit released to you we just need a few details...*

*She interrupts me*

Stupid Customer - "How much is it for?"

Me - "The amount is $5000, which should assist with any funeral costs incurred"

Stupid Customer, to someone in the background - "AWESOME! Oh yeah! Five grand, we gonna do some willlllld shopping, f*ck yeah!"

Me - "Er, ok. But yes, the amount is $5000. Now the first bit of information we need is the bank account the payment is to be released into"

Stupid Customer, again to person in the background - "Hey mum! Hey, she wants to know your bank account that you want it paid into"

*I'm not sure if I misheard her and, given the sensitivity of the situation, I'm hesitant to say straight up 'yo, didn't you just say yo' momma was dead fool?!'....so I try to play it smooooth*

Me - "Okay. Well ma'am, just while you're waiting on those details, I should mention that the most important piece of documentation we require before the funds can be released is a certified copy of the death certificate"

Stupid Customer - "Huh? Oh, yeah, nar, nar we didn't get one of those. Okay so I got the bank account, you ready??"

Me - "I'm sorry ma'am, I do need to stress that we do require a certified copy of the death certificate. I understand that they can take a bit of time to be made up and given to you, but we will require that before the funds can be released"

Stupid Customer - "Nar see they told us she didn't need one, so you gonna take the bank account down or what?"

Me - "I'm sorry maa'm, but everyone who passes away should have a death certificate printed up"

Stupid Customer - "Nar I already told you! She got hit by a car a week ago and they said she didn't need any death certificate!"

Me - "Ma'am, I do apologize but I believe you first told me your mother passed away last night?"

Stupid Customer - "Yeah, she had a heart attack and died last night"

Me - "But you just said she got hit by a car last week?"

Stupid Customer - "Yeah! She got hit by a car and then last night she had a heart attack from the shock"

Me - "................."

Stupid Customer - "................."

Me - "Okay. Well at this point I'm afraid I can only leave notes on her account stating that you call and what your comments were, but we won't be able to proceed any further until we have receivewd a certified copy of her birth certificate"

Stupid Customer - "Nar, that's bullsh*t! We wanna go shopping this weekend! It's her money, so she can withdraw it anytime she wants!"

*She yells to the person in the background again*

Stupid Customer - "Mum! Hey MUM! Yeah, the lady keeps saying she won't give us the money!"

*Suddenly, a different woman gets on the phone*

Stupid Customer #2 - "Yeah, hello? Yeah, listen, my name is Melissa McCarthy and you're being a real pain in the a*s right now, you got it? Why you makin' this so hard for my daughter, huh? We just need my funeral benefit paid and we want it paid right now!"

Me - "Ma'am....a funeral benefit is only released when someone passes away"

Stupid Customer - "Yeah, exactly!"

*silence*

Me - "Uh....well...I mean....you're clearly still alive"

Stupid Customer - "Are you deaf? My daughter already told you I was hit by a truck last month!"

Me - "Ma'am your daughter first told me you passed away last night from a heart attack, then she said you got hit by a car last week. And now you're telling me that you were hit by a truck and died last month.  You're telling me that. I do apologise but I need to document this conversation on your policy and end this conversation"

Stupid Customer - "But what about my money?! we wanna go shopppppiiiiing!"

Me - "Thanks for calling ma'am, you have a great day now"

*CLICK*


I wish I was making this sh*t up. I really do.
Goddamn.