Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Okay. I am sorry, but I am officially sick to f*cing death of idiots calling in who are completely and utterly unprepared and/or have no idea what the f*ck they're actually calling in the first place.
Let me exemplify.

Me - "Welcome to Health Insurance Inc, how can I help you?

Stupid Customer - "Ummm, yeah, yeah so...ummm...I got like, like, ummm, like a fund thing, you know...ummm...with you like with cover and....I just need to , like....ummm....check stuff"

Me - "Okay. May I please start with your memebrship number sir?"

Stupid Customer - "I dont have it"

Me - "Okay, no problem. If I could please get your name, I can bring the policy up that way"

Stupid Customer - "Ummm, yeah, like, ummmm, my names um, its Rob"


Me - "Okay. And your surname please?"

Stupid Customer - "Ummm, like, my last name's, like, like Smith"

Me - "Okay, thanks. How could I help you there today?"

Stupid Customer - "Yeah, so like, with my, like fund, ummmm....ummmm....what am I , like, ummm, you know...."

Me - "I'm sorry sir, no, I dont know what youre referring to?"

Stupid Customer - "Like with my, like...um....my fund, like the cover?"

Me - "You want to know what you're covered for sir?"

Stupid Customer - "Yeah! Yeah like, ummm, like what am I paying for and stuff?"

Me - "Okay, well, you have cover for quite a long list of services, was there a particular service you were wanting me to check for you sir?"

Stupid Customer - "Yeah, like, ummm, yeah, like, check my cover"

Me - "Okay sir, well, we can start with the hospital cover if you like?"

Stupid Customer - "Ummmm, yeah, yeah nar, like, ummm....like Im in like, ummm, a rush, so like, can you just, unmmm....just ummm, like  ummm, tell me what I got and sh*t?"

OH how I wish I could hang up on people like this. I really do. They make my brain want to committ suicide.

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Me - "Welcome to Health Insurance Inc, how can I help you?"

Stupid Customer, in a REALLY stuck up voice - "What do you want first? The reference number of the claim you stuffed up?"

Me - "Just the membership number to the account please ma'am, and I can proceed from there"

*I get all her details, bring up the claim in question, read through it, and prepare to watch a rude woman get OWNED*

Stupid Customer - "Right so you got my claim there? Huh? Do you? Got it on your screen, yeah?"

Me - "Yes ma'am, I have here your pharmacy claim. I can see it is for *name of item*, whcih pays a set rebate of $20 regardless of the cost of the item or your level of cover. I can see that you received that set $20, so how could I help you today with that one?"

Stuipd Customer - "Um...WHAT? I only get $20 back? Surely that is a GRAVE ERROR!"

Me - "No ma'am, as advised this item pays a set rebate of $20. If you refer to your policy guide or our website and look up this item, you will see it states there quite clearly that the set rebate is $20. So I can definetely get the claim looked into if you like, but I just need you to please advise what the actual error with the claim is?"

*insert sweet smile*

Stupid Customer - "Well this is just a JOKE. Pathetic! Such a measly amount, which do I even bother"

Me - "As mentioend ma'am, these kinds of benefits are well publicised and it is your choice to claim or not"

Stupid Customer - "Whatever. You guys are a rip off"   ... *CLICK*

Okay. So. I do FULLY get that not everyone will be happy with the rebates they get. And that is fine, you are more than welcome to call in and gripe about that [to an extent]
DONT call in RUDE and on your freakin high horse from the get go when you havent bothered to ever read what it is that you are ACTUALLY entitled to
That will just make you look stupid. Oh so stupid.

That is all
Me - "Welcome to Health Insurance Inc, how can I help you?"

Stupid Customer - "What?"

Me - "You've come through to Health Insurance Inc, how can I help you today sir?"

Stupid Customer - "What?! Speak up!"

Me, raising my voice - "Hello sir, youve come through to Health Insurance Inc, how can I help you today?"

Stupid Customer - "Oh god, I can't hear you! For f*ck sake! [to someone in background] This girls a f*cking idiot!"

Me, voice now deadpan - "I can hear you fine sir. How can I help?"

Stupid Customer - "WHAT!!! I cant hear a word you're saying! [again to person in background] F*ck this girl is an idiot, I swear, a massive f*cking idiot, she's all ooohhhh how can I HELP you today SIIIIR, hahahahaha"

Me - "Im sorry sir, it seems you're having some trouble on your end there because I can actually hear you perfectly well, you might want to call back from different line?"

Stupid Customer - "What! You're just going to hang up on me! What kind of bullsh*t service is that?!"

Me - "I'm sorry sir, you advised me that you couldn't hear me at all?"

Stupid Customer - "Of course I could hear you you f*cking idiot1 Jeez, lighten up! I'm just messing around with you! it's not like it matters anyway, you're just a call centre monkey! And I'm the customer and I can treat you however I like! [To person in background] God can you believe this girl? Who does she think she is? Hahahahaha"

Me - *hangs up*

What a douche.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Me - "Welcome to Health Insurance Inc, how can I help you?"

Stupid Customer - "Your automatic payment line told me to come here"


Me - "Oh...okay. Did it...um...I'm sorry. Just to clarify ma'am, because our payment line is fully automated - when you say it told you to 'come here', what exactly do you mean by that?"

Stupid Customer - *sigh* "I tried to pay my bill, so I'm TRYING to give you people money, and it said there was an error and I had to call this number to get it resolved. I better be getting a months free premium on my policy for this, it's a massive inconvenience that your systems are broken like this! I'm just trying to do the right thing and pay my bill here!"

Me - "Okay ma'am. So when you say it said there was an error, what was the exact error message being given so I can have a look into this for you?"

Stupid Customer - "It didn't say anything, it just said there was an error and I had to call you. I had better be compensated for this"

Ah-huh. At this stage I am calling bullshit every which way. Why? out automated system is set in a way where you key in details and that's it. There is no 'voice' going on about 'errors' and all this crapola. If the system is down, you can't dial through at all. Simple.

Me - "Hmmmm. That sounds very unusual ma'am. I mean, as far as I'm aware our payment system doesn't have the function of a voice-over..."

*interrupting me*

Stupid Customer - "LOOK it said there was a f*cking error so you gonna fix it or what? Or are ya' stupid or somethin', huh?"

Me, now deadpan - "What was your membership number?"

Stupid Customer - "I dunno, I gotta go grab it, how come you need it?"

Me - "The 'error' that you're talking about is not one that I have ever heard of before ma'am, I was not aware it existed, therefore to try and pinpoint the problem I'm going to have to log into your account and view the activity log, that may indicate to me where things are going wrong"

Stupid Customer - "Fine, whatever"

*She gives me her membership details. I log in...read the activity log...and with a HUGE smile go back to the line and say in the MOST polite, sweet-as-pie voice I can muster...*

Me - "Thanks for holding there ma'am. So I can see here that you actually dialled the payment line several times in the past few minutes, and each time made it through to the payment section when you enter your credit card details. It shows here that each time you did that, your card was declined, at which point you disconnected the call on your end. There are no errors recorded - all that's happened here ma'am is you called our payment line several times and then hung up each time your card was declined. As such I'm sorry but there is no error with our systems, you are not entitled to any form of compensation. You are welcome to make payment on your policy once your credit card issue has been resovled on your end"

Stupid Customer, muttering - "Bitch"... *CLICK*

Now that's what I call OWNED.

Friday, 30 December 2011

Ok, Im sorry, but I just got some sweet satasfaction out of this...

Me - "Welcome to Health Insurance Inc, how can I help you?"

Stupid Customer - "I need to update my credit card details for payment and also my address and phone numbers, so basically I just need to update everything in my policy, I want everything changed"

Me - "Certainly ma'am, I can help with that"

*I get off her the policy number and name of the primary member*

Me - "Okay, and just for security, may I please have your date of birth?"

Stupid Customer - "Um....um...ah....no, no sorry I don't give that out over the phone"

*I do get people say this every now and then so I am not yet compeltely suspicious*

Me - "Okay ma'am, no problem, I can use other security questions. Now just to get to those, I will just need to open up the whole policy. For that I will need to please confirm the address that we currently have on file for you"

Stupid Customer - "That's one of the things I'm calling to update"

Me - "Yes ma'am, that's fine, I just need to confirm what the old one is, the one we would currently have on file for you, so I can bring up the rest of the policy and go from there"

Stupid Customer - "Ummmm....um, yeah, ummm I don't remember what it was. It was from ages ago. I just want to change alll the information on this policy okay, just change it all"

Me - 'Okay ma'am. The home telephone number we have at present and the mobile?"

Stupid Customer - 'No they're old too, I need to update all those as well"

Me - "I understand ma'am, but in order to update any policy detail here I will need to verify the information it is that we are replacing"

Stupid Customer - "Okay well yeah, it's all old and I don't remember any of it ok. I just need to change it all"

Me - "Okay ma'am. Well, can you please provide the last 4 digits of the credit card that is currently being used to pay the account?"

Stupid Customer - "Um, no, that's ones, um, closed. It's old. I don't know what it is. I don't have a credit card. "

*NOTE - the card has successfully being debting for a long time. No knock backs. If a card account hasbeen closed, we get a knock back with an error message stating 'account closed - refer to customer"

Me - "Okay ma'am, well the only other thing I can really use for ID here is for you to provide me with the last claim that you made on the policy"

*NOTE - there was a dental claim made just 5 days earlier by the member on this policy*

Stupid Customer - "Um, nar, nar I haven't claimed in, like, ages"

Me - "Okay ma'am, well I'm sorry but since I've been unable to identify you as the policy holder I wont be able to proceed today. To update any details you will be required to go to one of our branches and present photo ID. our branches will be open from next week Monday onwards"

Stupid Customer - "God, I just wanna change all the contact information that's all!" ...*CLICK*

NOTE - I also do the email correspondance for work here and literally 3 minutes later, this email came through:

"Hi, my membership number is *number* and my name is *name*. I need to update my details *lists the new contact and payment details*. I need this done today, if it's not done ASAP I will cancel my account here"

My reply:
"Hi, As just advised, since you were unable to satisfy a single one of the security measures used to identify you as the holder of this policy, you will be required to attend one of our branchs with Photo ID, and a representative can assist you form there once you have been satisfactorily identified.
Your efforts to change the details on this policy have been noted.

Kind regards"

*cough* - dodgy! - *cough*
This is like working Christmas Day all over again [I am lucky enough to be working NYE too...yay, go me]

Me - "Welcome to Health Insurance Inc, how can I help you?"

Stupid Customer - "Hi, I was just calling in to check how much limit I got left for glasses and physio if I could please?"

Me - "Certainly sir, may I please have your membership numbr so i can brig up your details?"

Stupid Customer - "Yep, it's....hang on, wait. WAIT. Um. Excuse me? Hello?"

Me - "...yes sir?"

Stupid Customer - "What day is it?"

Me - "It's Saturday sir, Saturday the 31st?"

Stupid Customer - "Right. So it's New Years Eve. Am I correct? It's New Years Eve?"

Me - "Yes sir, that is correct"

Stupid Customer - "I will not do business with a company that operates on New Years Eve, I'll be cancelling!" ... *CLICK*

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Me - "Welcome to Health Insurance Inc, how can I help you?"

Stupid Customer - "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH hi lovveeeee, I gosh a pol-ceeeee with youse and I just callin' coz ish due for payingssssss"

Me - "Okay sir, sure, I can transfer you to the payment line if you like, but may I suggest calling back at a time when you are perhaps not under the influence of so much...Christmas cheer? I'd just not want for you to make an error with the payment?"

Stupid Customer - "NOOOO lovvvvvvely lady, nooooo, I gosh it all under control my lushley lovely!"

Me - "I really feel like I shoudl insist sir...our payment line is open 24/7, even just a few hours and you should be right..."

Stupid Customer - "Heyyyyyy NOOOOO bisch! BISCH, fug yoo bischhhhhh! Put me onto the maonies peeeeeples, bisch!"

Me - "Okay sir, one moment"

I have to say this call had a happy ending. For me anyway.
I checked his policy - $48 was due.
He keyed $480 into the phone.
Thanks for that Christmas bonus there you dumb drunkard. I tried to warn ya...

[For those of you playing at home, he will indeed be entitled to a refund, so fear not. But given all the upcoming public holidays and what not, he wont see that cashola for probably about 2 weeks now......]
Me - "Welcome to Health Insurance Inc, how can I help you?"

Stupid Customer - "I sent in an email 2 days ago and I'm calling to follow up on that"

*I get his details - I recognise the name. He was asking how mcuh he had left to claim on his optical for this year. I had replied to the email within about 30 minutes of receiving it*

Me - "Okay, here we go. Okay so it was actual myself who got that email a few dyas ago, I replied that you had $200 remaining. Did you have an enquiry about that remaining balance sir?"

Stupid Customer - "No, I've had to call in because you never bothered to get back to me, which is prtty poor service if you ask me"

Me - "I'm...sorry sir....as mentioned, I did actually reply to that email, I have my reply sitting in my sent messages box, I'm not sure why you didn't get it? I just replied to the address the email came from?"

Stupid Customer - "Yeah that's the right one but I disn't get it. I haven't logged onto my email for a few days, I've been busy"

Me - "...okay...well, I mean...so I did reply but you just haven't checked your inbox at all?"

Stupid Customer - "Yeah I guess, whatever, so how much I got left?"

Me - $200 sir"

Stupid Customer - "Right, thanks"

Me - "Thanks, BYE"...*CLICK*

This kinda thing actually happened every now and then, people will send an email, call in all angry that they 'didnt get a reply', only to confess 30 seconds later that they didn't even CHECK their emails before calling.
Yeah. Those kinda idiots can go play in traffic, dumb f*cks....
Me - "Welcome to Health Insurance Inc, how can I help you?"

Stupid Customer - "Yeah, hi. So I was just calling 'cause my think wont work"

Me - "Okay, I'll just bring up your details to start with if I can"

*I bring up his policy...nothing looks to be out of the ordinary*

Me - "Okay, thanks for that sir, I've got your policy here on my screen. How could I help today, you were saying something wasn't working?"

Stupid Customer - "Um yeah, yeah the thing is just, like, not going in all the way and I like tried to get it in but then it almost snapped and so I was worried I would break it off so then I stopped"

Me, trying oh-so-hard to get the many dick jokes now swirling in my mind out of my head - "Okay sir. Well, you've called through to Health Insurance Inc, was this is a policy issue? I'll just need you to be a bit more specific if you can please sir..."

Stupid Customer - "Yeah, like, I got it from you and then when i try and put in inwards then it almost snaps but it wont go in , I don't wanna break it"

Me - "Okay, and what is it specifically that you are referring to?"

Stupid Customer - "*SIGH* my glasses! The arm on my glasses wont bend all the way in and every time I try and push it hard it almost breaks off!"

Me - "Okay sir, okay, it's the glasses we're talking about, okay... well I can see that those glasses we're bought from *local optometrist*, if they are in any way faulty or require repair you'll just need to take them back to the store you bought them from and they should be fine to assist you from there"

Stupid Customer - "What? NO! I bought them from you guys, you guys have to help me!"

Me - "No sir, you claimed a reabte on them through the health fund but you actually purchased the glasses themselves at that optical store"

Stupid Customer - "Yeah, like I got them from that store but you people paid money towards them so it's your fault if they're broken!"

Me - "I'm sorry sir, we simply contribute your eligible rebate but beyodn that we are in no involved in the actual purchase or follow-up stages on the transaction. You will need to take the glasses back to the store to enquire about a repair"

Stupid Customer - "But that place is like 15 minutes away! God, you guys are , like, really useless, you know that?"... *CLICK*
Me - "Welcome to Health Insurance Inc, how can I help you?"

Stupid Customer - "Hi, how are you, Merry Christmas to you ma'am!"

Me - "Hi there, I'm going quite well thanks, and Merry Christmas to yourself too, I hope you're having a pleasant say so far"

Stupid Customer - "Excuse me?!"

Me - "I'm sorry ma'am?"

Stupid Customer - "What did you say?"

Me - "Erm, I was just saying...."

*interrupts me*

Stupid Customer - "You widshed me Merry Christmas!"

Me - "Oh! Well, yes, yes I did, you wished me Merry Christmas and thus I was returning the festive sentiment. How could I help you today?"

Stupid Customer - "Um, NO. Hold up there, right? How do you know I celebrate Christmas? That was VERY presumptious of you, I find this all highly offensive. What if I don't celebrate Christmas? You've just offended me!"

Me - "I do apologise ma'am. As mentioned, I was merely returning the Merry Christmas you had given to myself, I'm sorry if I've caused any offence. Was there a policy I could help you with today?"

Stupid Customer - "No, no I don't think so, I'm sickened by this call, this call is ending now"

Me - "okay ma'am, well thank you for calling in today"

Stupid Customer - "Um...hello?!"

Me - "I'm sorry ma'am?"

Stupid Customer - "You didn't tell me to enjoy the rest of my Christmas Day and then wish me a Happy New Year!"

Me - "Once bitten twice shy, ma'am"

Stupid Customer, muttering - "Such terrible service..."...*CLICK*